What do me and Pippa Middleton have in common?

We’re both getting married in the next few days, and we’re both female. That’s it. Oh and we have brown hair. 

I’m one of those Daily Mail haters who secretly reads the showbiz section. As such, and it’s my own fault really, it hasn’t escaped me that I’m not the only person getting married soon.

Pippa Middleton, ‘arse of the Century’, the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister, is also preparing for her upcoming wedding. It’s being described as ‘the society wedding of the year’ and so far we know it’s going to involve a £100k glass marquee that’s been shipped in especially for the occasion. So would mine, if I was marrying a millionaire who grew up on a 30 acre state in Nottinghamshire. As it goes, we’re having plastic.

There’s something about tabloid journalism that I really love. I love criticising it, I love how superficial it is, how dramatic. It’s not Pippa’s fault hairdressing salons up and down the country are buzzing with bitchy gossip about her ostentatious choices  (a hen party skiing in France – REALLY?). We’re all just really, really jealous. It’s the papers’ fault for reporting her wedding like it’s the second coming.

It made me think about how the papers would report my wedding, if I happened to be worthy of public attention.

ZOE SEEN BROWSING CHEAP IVORY SHOES ONLINE JUST DAYS BEFORE BIG DAY

WIFE-TO BE SPENDS ENTIRE DAY IN PYJAMAS AVOIDING THE TABLE DECORATIONS SHE PROMISED MUM-OF-BRIDE SHE’D POLISH SOON

SHOULD SHE BE EATING THAT? FUTURE BRIDE DEVOURS YET ANOTHER CHOCOLATE BISCUIT IN RUN UP TO BIG DAY

EXCLUSIVE: MOTHER OF BRIDE WORRIED ZOE WILL NOT FIT INTO PAINSTAKINGLY SEWED WEDDING DRESS

EXCITEMENT MOUNTS AS ZOE FINDS STASH OF CHEAP VASES IN CHARITY SHOP THAT MIGHT PASS AS CENTREPIECES IF GUESTS DON’T LOOK TOO CLOSELY

You get the picture.

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